I have been feeling a slight low this past week, with weird thoughts like, "Is this all there is?" My son has finally moved out of my house to his own place, and it feels so final. My internal beauty compass has gone slightly awry. My spirit feels a bit like a shadow in the streetlight, visible only if you happen to be walking alongside me.
I find myself in the next phase of my life that I was unprepared for. A melancholy has permeated my daily constitution, and I know it is directly related to this new phase of life I now reside in. Normal. Of course. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. My son only lives thirty minutes away; I can see him anytime. I realize my good fortune for this proximity.
Along with my former husband, we have raised a great human being who we have launched into his life as a grownup. I should be bouncing in my step.
My son moving out is not really the issue but more of the catalyst to the rewind of my life. It is about the realization that the part of my life that led to this very moment is now complete. This completion is causing me an intense reflection backward towards the time in my life that brought me to now. And it is fucking weird.
In a traditional sense, the first part of early adult life, the twenties and thirties, was the climb upward- towards life. Figuring out your career, getting married, home buying, baby planning, child-rearing, and finding the right daycare and school. So much packed into this short period of these two decades. Busy, to say the least. All of that time was spent planning, organizing, and figuring it all out with no end in sight. Then came the forties and early fifties, life filled with transitions like divorce and getting my son ready for high school, then college preparation, the loss of my father and my grandmother, breast cancer, and buying a building. They were all more things to work through. Momentum, life to take action on. Not as much planning, but addressing and responding to the parts of my life from the earlier seeds planted.
The pandemic experience changed so much for all of us, but as I find my business and life on the other side of this emotional tornado, I stand looking from a different perch. When I was younger and filled with all of that activity, it seemed like there would never be a time when there would be time. And now there is. And here I am.